


the winds of april

by moonlitwriting



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Tokyo Ghoul, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Blood and Gore, Body Horror, Death, Dismemberment, Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Inspired by Tokyo Ghoul, Killing, Multi, Suicide, jeonghan eats someone, maybe don't read this while eating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 01:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30098370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitwriting/pseuds/moonlitwriting
Summary: loss and love are not opposites on a scale; they could not possibly hold the same weight. one will teach you this is true, that you lose everything if you lose the one that understood you most. the other will teach you otherwise.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Reader, Wen Jun Hui | Jun & Reader
Kudos: 3





	the winds of april

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted from my blog by-moonflower.tumblr.com!

“ _this is boo seungkwan reporting live from the scene as another body has been recovered from the main river. police units have been dispatched this time around to ensure that the body isn’t—_ ”

it was that time of the year again.

april had seen five suicides so far; five people jumped off the bridge, and five bodies were found in the river.

when people hear the news, they’re only temporarily mournful. it was transient more than anything. they gasp, they frown, they feel sorry for the poor soul, sorry for the family, then they forget, and they go about their day.

jun purposely bumped into you with a deep scowl across his face and you turned away from the electronic store’s display to look at him.

“sorry about that,” he mumbled, slipping his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. “my dad’s been _so_ anxious with, you know, everything going on. i’ll get scolded if i miss even one call from him.”

“parents are parents,” you sang.

“but also, he won’t let me go out tonight, so i can’t come with. i’m sorry.”

your eyes narrowed in on the way he didn’t actually _look_ regretful. “you know, _you_ were the one insisting on coming. i don’t mind going alone.”

jun threw his palms up in the air, “no, no, i wanted to go! i just didn’t want you to go yourself.”

you chuckled at his sudden state of panic before shaking your head quickly. “it’s fine, don’t worry.”

“y-you sure?”

“yeah, chill out,” you nudged him in the rib as the small television you were previously watching transitioned into a weather forecast, “also, cut your dad some slack. things must be really hard at the hospital.”

jun groaned at your reminder. “tell me about it. who the heck would go through the trouble of stealing bodies from the _morgue_?”

you shrugged.

“i overheard the nurses once saying that the bodies stolen were specifically ones that haven’t been claimed by the bereaved family. isn’t that sad? like, what sort of life do you have to live that no one would claim your body when you die?”

 _there are many lives with that fate_ , you thought.

unbeknownst to your best friend, you firmly believed that there was more loss in this world than love. anyone who argued otherwise would be only be speaking from a platform of privilege. it would be hard to convince one of the existence of an underlying goodness if they had lost their entire family, or if they had lost their only friend.

it didn’t matter how many people you lose in your lifetime. you simply lose everything if you lose the one person that understood you, that made you feel seen.

nonetheless, jun was still right. being forgotten was very sad indeed. so is loneliness.

you glanced at him briefly to catch the pout on his face. “it’s not good to eavesdrop, jun.”

“in my defense, the nurses were speaking really loudly.”

you hummed throughout his ramblings as you noticed the vibrant greens sprouting from what used to be stark naked branches.

the flowers will bloom soon too.

* * *

the seminar started on time and you were beyond relieved that no one sauntered up to sit in your row. you were fine with jun not tagging along, but you were less fine with the prospect of a stranger occupying the empty seat beside you and striking up small talk.

that, however, was exactly what happened when the entrance on the right opened up once more. in hurried a boy wearing a denim jacket, who bowed repeatedly towards the lectern _and_ the audience before scurrying up the steps to find a seat.

 _please don’t sit next to me, please don’t sit next to me_ , was all you chanted in your head for an excruciating few seconds, until the boy actually came and stopped at your row.

“is this seat taken?” he whispered, but when he met your eyes, the tension in his shoulders seemed to melt away. “oh, how nice to see a familiar face!”

the anxiousness in your nervous fisted hands also let up and you smiled up at him, “didn’t think i’d see you here, soonyoung.”

soonyoung briefly glanced around. “jun didn’t come?”

“his dad wouldn’t let him,” you laughed. “besides, i don’t think he was actually interested in a talk like this.”

soonyoung laughed at that too, “yeah, that’s true.”

the seminar that you were so interested in spoke about the prospects of a third world war. while warfare and international relations almost always bored you to death as a student in the science faculty, the keynote speaker’s area of interest piqued _your_ interest this time around.

“today, we’ll skip all the traditional standpoints,” the speaker announced from the front. “cyberwars, nuclear wars, america versus china, _blah blah_. what about... an _interspecies_ war?”

the lecture hall dimmed as a slideshow illuminated the screen up front and the audience simultaneously broke into a chorus of grumbles and groans at the appearance of a photograph. some of the faint-hearted turned away entirely, with hands over their eyes as they retreated into themselves from disdain and disgust.

it was a photograph of a ghoul feasting on a dead body’s remains, where blood stained the ground and bits of flesh were littered around it.

you, however, didn’t flinch at the sight, and neither did soonyoung.

he leaned into you. “have you ever seen one?”

“no,” you lied. “i heard they blend in well with humans, so it’s hard to tell. you?”

“nope, i haven’t seen one either.”

soonyoung transferred to your university during his second year and you only came to know of him through jun. your high school best friend had the habit of assuming that all of _his_ friends should be your friends too.

you didn’t mind it, usually. jun was well-aware of how cautious you were around strangers, so he never pushed you to always hang around people you didn’t really like either.

soonyoung, however, was one of the few good ones, which was why you didn’t mind his company when he prolonged the conversation after the seminar ended and you both made your way out of the lecture hall.

“i’m just saying,” he went on, “i don’t think conflicts have to end up in an all-out war between humans and ghouls.”

you raised a brow at the boldness of his statement. “‘cause one side would yield?”

“does one side _have_ to yield? all those diplomatic things politicians do for international relations. can’t we come to agreements with ghouls too?”

soonyoung really made you think. you were surprised yourself that you’d have so much to talk about with him other than jun’s antics. a cool gust of wind blew past you and soonyoung visibly shivered at the sudden drop in temperature. he laughed at himself for it, and you couldn’t help but laugh with him too.

“wait, wait but see,” you began to explain when you both calmed your giggles, “surely, ghouls are physically stronger than humans. even if we get to a point where we can make agreements, won’t it be inevitable that humans will always feel... threatened?”

soonyoung slowed his steps and you held back your pace to remain by his side. there was a noticeable spark in the way he spoke and you wondered if soonyoung was just one of those rare people that _didn’t_ loathe ghouls.

“then it’s about trust, isn’t it?” he smiled before checking his watch. “hey, it’s pretty late, i’ll walk you home.”

you checked the time on your phone and realised it was almost midnight. you’ve surely missed the last bus, but you didn’t want soonyoung to go through the trouble of walking with you. it would be too burdensome of a task and you didn’t want that to weigh on you. it shouldn’t be that big of a deal but you just never liked the feeling of being indebted to anyone, even if it was just a friend insisting on walking you home.

“i can manage,” you said.

but soonyoung eagerly shook his head, “no way. with everything going on in _this_ city lately? not a chance. besides, you live in a flat around jun’s area, yeah?”

you kept quiet at his persistence.

“if it troubles you so much,” soonyoung added, “just think of it as _you_ walking _me_ home. i’m terrified of these streets at this time, honestly. so you’re doing me a big favour.”

there was no way you could refute that, so you let him walk you home.

* * *

what woke you up was your ringtone, not your alarm. you blindly felt around your bedside table for the device before grouchily lifting it to your ear.

“ _finally_ ,” said the voice on the other end of the line, “open up, i’m in front.”

you blinked through your drowsiness at the caller id and sighed as you threw open your covers and dragged your feet to the door.

when you opened up, you found jeonghan leaning on the door frame with a troubled look in his eyes. “i called you like five times,” he said matter-of-factly.

“it’s not even 5 a.m, jeonghan”—you held the door wide open to urge him to quickly come in—“and we need to rethink our arrangement if you’re always going to come by at this time.”

jeonghan smirked as he walked past you and made a beeline for your fridge. “i can’t help it; i’m nocturnal.”

“that’s a nice way of saying you’ve got a screwed up l sleep cycle.” you watched cautiously as he rummaged through your freezer like it was his own personal grocery store. you never understood why he had to be so picky. “hurry up, just take one.”

“you know, with all this stock, you could just turn this into a business.” he finally pulled out a frozen packet and stuffed it into the backpack he set on the floor.

“i don’t have time to run a business,” you quipped.

“just go get your friend to do it. what was his name again?” you clenched your fists as your side. “jin? jun? _jun_! you’re still... hanging around him right?”

you didn’t like the way he referred to jun. “ _and_?”

jeonghan briefly glanced over his shoulder to shoot you that cunning stare and you wondered how much longer you could really put up with this. “nothing,” he said offhandedly. “you should just be careful.”

you’re _the one i should be careful around,_ you thought.

“well,” jeonghan chirped as zipped up his bag and threw it over his shoulder. “thanks for this. i’ll see you next month!”

“yeah, yeah. just don’t forget to let it thaw first,” you reminded as you ushered him out.

when he finally left, you crawled back into bed to sleep for another few hours.

* * *

a chilly breeze rushed through campus and you watched as a delicate, newly-blossomed flower floated to the ground. 

jun laid on the wooden bench on his back, using one of his textbooks to shield his face from the sun. “oh right, how was that seminar?”

you shoot jun one of your best death glares. even if he couldn’t see it, you knew he could feel it. “don’t pretend like you’re actually interested.”

“c’mon, i just need something to distract me from the disappointment of having my thesis proposal rejected _again_.”

you rolled your eyes at his whining. you’ve never really figured out how jun was able to maintain his high marks in class when you rarely ever saw him study hard for it. maybe he was just one of _those_ people, the kind that were good at things without even trying.

“oh,” he added, “soonyoung also said he ran into you.” a pause. “i think he has a bit of a crush on you.”

your hand gripped your pencil a little tighter and you were thankful that jun couldn’t see the way you tensed at the assumption. “w-why would you say that?”

jun didn’t answer for a while, and though you wanted to brush off the thought and redirect your focus back to your notes, you couldn’t help but wait on the edge of your seat for his answer. 

it wasn’t something you should’ve gotten overly worked up about, but you never did have anyone else besides jun. he was the one who stayed by your side when your parents were killed in a hit and run incident back in high school. it was a turbulent time then, when your grieving was only piled with the pitiful looks of adults and the sad faces of your peers who didn’t really know what to say to you.

the only one who didn’t tiptoe around you then, and genuinely looked at you with warmth, was jun.

maybe it was because you were almost always alone that jun was kind enough to constantly try and get you to come along whenever he went out. though sometimes you did tag along—where it was a never-ending game of simon says when you just followed what everyone else did—you still felt like an outsider. they were jun’s friends after all, not yours.

but along the way you learned to grow up, learned that this was just how you were supposed to live.

jun’s friendship had become more than enough for you that it even made you tolerable to moochers like jeonghan.

so it was just a foreign feeling to you, to hear that someone other than jun could potentially _like_ you.

“just a feeling,” jun settled on, finally. “so, again: the seminar. how was it?”

“fun since you weren’t there, jun!”

jun immediately sat upright as you also turned to the source of the voice. soonyoung slid into your bench so quietly you didn’t even notice that he had taken a seat right next to you.

he held an opened bag of chips and offered some to you, in which you politely refused. jun, on the other hand, made grabby motions for the bag and snatched it for himself, plunging his hand in to grab a fistful.

“you sure you didn’t fall asleep five minutes in?” jun teased, before turning to you. “he fell asleep five minutes in, didn’t he?”

“well, if it were a romcom film, i just might—but this was about _ghouls_.” with that, soonyoung yanked the bag of chips back.

jun lowered himself back to lie on the bench. “i don’t get it, why are you both so interested in human-eaters?”

“because they’re”—you took a pause to be careful about your word choice—“interesting?”

soonyoung nodded briskly at that. “see? at least _someone_ gets it.”

you still couldn’t quite gage what soonyoung’s stance on ghouls was. you’ve only heard from jun that he took quite the interest in ghouls as a kid and that growing up, it might’ve influenced his decision to study biology.

it made sense though, seeing as humans and ghouls were only differentiated by a single organ, the _kakuhou._ studying biology could probably help one understand where a ghoul’s superhuman capabilities stem from.

“what’s the big idea with eating humans anyway?” jun rambled on. “can’t they, like, find a substitute? like tofu-based chicken that vegetarians eat or something. can’t they do that?”

you glanced over to observe soonyoung’s reaction and wondered if he knew the way jun masked his true attitude towards ghoul with banter like this.

but soonyoung just brushed the subject off like it was any other matter. “jun, as a business management student, why don’t you leave those discussions to us science kids?”

you laughed a little at that, and jun only raised his hand to flip soonyoung off.

“anyway,” soonyoung turned to you. “mind getting some coffee with me? jun’s not uninvited.”

“ _hey_!”

you smiled at soonyoung and took up on his offer, wondering if he knew that coffee was the only beverage you could stomach.

* * *

just like any other thursday evening, jun waited around campus until the end of your last 5 p.m. class. even though you’ve insisted that he didn’t need to stick around to walk you home, jun claimed that he used the waiting time productively to study in the library.

but unlike any other thursday evening, you had a premonition that something was happening.

dark clouds had gathered all day but it hadn’t rained and jun was complaining to himself about the trouble he went through to bring one of his golf umbrellas because the forecast said there would be strong rains _and_ winds.

it was when you both turned the corner that you picked up an odd scent. judging from jun’s nonchalant manner, you were the only one that smelled it.

it resembled something like homemade cooking, like some type of pie baking in the oven and its sweetness wafted through the breeze. it was unusual for you to smell something as mouth-watering as this. it was so strong, you could probably close your eyes and rely only on your sense of smell to direct you to its source.

“jun, you can go ahead, i think i need to go back to campus.”

a streetlamp overheard flickered briefly, but the light barely did anything when the sun was still in the midst of setting.

“oh, did you forget something? we could—”

“n-no!” you blurted, “um, i just got a text from soonyoung—”

jun didn’t even let you finish when his expression turned into something very smug. with his index finger and thumb pressed together, jun made a zipping motion across his lips. “say no more, i can take a hint,” he said, with a slight wiggle to his brows.

“shut up,” you laughed.

you didn’t get a text from soonyoung though and as soon as jun’s back disappeared from sight, you turned on your heel to rush towards the source of that smell. it was in the opposite direction to where jun headed, and it led to a dead-end alley.

just as you suspected, you found jeonghan kneeling on the ground, with his back facing you and hunched over what looked like a woman’s body, or its remains at least. he was feeding—no, he was _feasting_.

“jeonghan,” you sneered, trying exceptionally hard to reign in your self-control.

when he snapped his head back at you, blood stained his teeth, lips, and the ends of his hair, the colours resembling that of his iris, while the whites of his eyes have gone fully black.

“you said you didn’t hunt anymore,” you snapped, as jeonghan turned his attention back to the dead body. “isn’t that why i’ve been supplying you with food?”

jeonghan cocked his head to the side before gently ripping an arm off the woman and kissing her fingers slowly. “but she was so, _so_ nice to me. she said it herself that she’d be willing to give me everything.”

from what you could see, jeonghan ran his tongue down the length of her pinky finger before briefly sucking the tip of her nail. “and you know what i said?” he glanced back at you, “i said, _prove it._ ”

jeonghan opened his mouth wide and took a hard bite of the fingers. only the crunching of bones, followed by the squelching of flesh and jeonghan’s perverted, satisfied moans filled the narrow alley.

you took cautious steps forward, but in the presence of immediate danger, there was no way to stop your own irises from turning crimson and your sclera black. “if dead bodies are dropping in this area again, then the police will be onto _us,_ jeonghan. _you_ are endangering us.”

“oh calm down, i’ll clean everything up. i don’t plan for even a single bone to go to waste.” jeonghan then plummeted his arm messily into the woman’s torso and pulled out her intestines, dangling the organ so it swung like a pendulum. his crazed eyes focused on its back-and-forth movement, like he temporarily forgot about your presence, then he slurped the organ in a singular motion, just like humans do when they eat spaghetti.

“jeonghan,” you said, through gritted teeth. “you will _not_ be getting a third warning.”

the ghoul looked up at you with unrestrained annoyance before rolling his eyes. “look, i appreciate all that you’ve done for me, but i’d be _lucky_ to survive even two weeks off of your supply. ghouls can last without eating for a month, _at the most_. why should we restrain ourselves from eating when humans inhale pigs and chickens like barbarians?!”

you kept quiet, afraid that more taunting would rile him up.

“after all, the bodies you’ve been stealing from the morgue simply cannot compare to fresh blood.” jeonghan licked the blood clean from his fingers, but his predatory gaze didn’t relent. “you know, you’re going soft as a ghoul. must be from hanging around that... _human_. i wonder what he tastes like.”

you couldn’t easily forgive a heinous statement like that. “say that one more time—” you warned, but your rage was already translated through the _kagune_ growing out from the back of your shoulder area, ripping through your shirt.

your _kagune_ presented itself like that of an eagle’s wings, except your wings were not made of dainty, soft feathers—they were made of pulsating, bloodred flesh. if humans could control their muscles, harden and soften them, stretch and enlarge them at will, then they would have a basic grasp of the _kagune_. this predatory weapon was one of the abilities ghouls had as a result of the _kakuhou_ organ.

your wings spread and spread as it continued to grow, the breathing flesh rising higher and higher until both you and jeonghan were clouded by its height.

if it was a duel between you and jeonghan, you had the upper hand.

“i will _end_ you before you cause trouble.”

jeonghan pushed himself off of his knees to ready his own _kagune_. you were getting slightly fired up; it had been a while since you had a good fight. but just as you were about to charge forward, someone from behind called your name, and his voice was full of such fright, such fear that all your anger subsided like a receding ocean wave.

you knew the voice, you knew who it was, and though every nerve in your body was screaming not to turn around, you did so anyway.

jun stood at the entrance of the alley, face paled and arms frozen at his sides. his expression was far beyond that of shock; it was horror, aversion, pure disgust.

your heart fell to your stomach. _he saw me, he saw me_. without a second thought, you ran towards jeonghan and grabbed him with one strong arm and the remains of the woman’s body with your other.

you knew running away wouldn’t erase anything that jun witnessed, but you could only think about how you couldn’t let a gruesome view like that imprint itself in his brain for too long.

you fought tears as you flew away, but you could never erase the image of how he looked at you. he didn’t spare a glance at jeonghan, nor the dismembered woman at his feet.

jun was only looking at you.

* * *

it seemed as though jun didn’t reveal your identity, even weeks after he saw you. you expected that much from him, honestly.

but this reality that you lived in now was the worst-case scenario that you never wanted to entertain when it came to the consequences of mingling with humans. even though jun didn’t tell anyone about you, he couldn’t bear face you either.

of course, he couldn’t. how could he, when his mom died by the hands of a ghoul?

you took it upon yourself to ensure that you never ran into him again. you avoided all the spots on campus that jun liked to hang around in. you took longer and farther routes home to avoid running into him. you even went out of your way to change your number and delete his contact. even though the chances of jun reaching out to you would be slim, you didn’t want to risk being the one to reach out to him out of desperation.

drastic measures were needed at times like these. after all, this was just how you were supposed to live.

when you flew away from that alley, jeonghan cackled to himself in your clutch and said something that you still haven’t forgotten: “don’t look too sad, it was only a matter of time before he found out what you really are.”

you already knew that. any ghoul growing up was taught to always sleep with both eyes open.

but you were still so angry, so _so_ angry with yourself. because a part of you, a very small part of you was disappointed. you had no right to feel such a thing but you really believed that jun might—just might—accept you for what you are. that all the times and the laughs you shared together throughout high school and as university freshmen, would somehow outweigh the fact that you were a ghoul.

but it was a that ghoul killed his mom, that was fact too.

it was when jun first told you about his mom that you swore off hunting. you had heard about ghouls using other means to feed that didn’t involve killing and you learned their ways.

 _spring time is the best time,_ you were told. but instead of the flowers and warmth and the melting away of snow to look forward to, you anticipated the rising suicide rates. you still didn’t understand the science behind it, why the rates seemed to climb after the winter. it was cruel, still, but it was the lesser evil.

ghouls have to eat a human body to live—it had always been only a matter of survival to you. so, whenever you watched another person fling themselves off the bridge, if no one claimed the body within a week at the latest, it was yours.

and it was rather surprising to you, that so many bodies were left unclaimed, that so many lives could disappear without a trace.

you’d neatly dismember the body parts, separating the tender, flesh from the organs and then you’d stored it in your freezer for future consumption.

though you hated his guts, there was some merit to what jeonghan previously said. frozen human meat was nowhere near as good as fresh meat. it was the case for human foods too, as freshly cooked food would always taste better than frozen food.

when you arrived home, you opened up the freezer and pulled out a small ziplock bag. it was that time of the month when you’re appetite was beginning to act up, so you satiated the hunger by slowly gnawing on a human thigh, lapping at the blood that began to drip from the thawing flesh.

* * *

with a medical exemption, you’ve been permitted to forego the classes that required attendance as the semester was coming to an end. everyone was gearing up for final exams and you couldn’t wait for it to be over.

you’ve been having less and less energy to walk to campus, to feign a smile and to listen to your professors. without jun, you’ve practically retreated into yourself, spending more time in your head than ever. it cultivated an awful feeling, and though you knew well enough that not going to class would exacerbate it, leaving home just felt like an impossible task entirely.

you counted the droplets of water that raced down your window after it drizzled all morning. but just as you thought about taking another nap, the doorbell rang, its shrill screaming startling you slightly.

hope clouded your vision briefly until you realised that if it were jun, he would knock. jun never rang the doorbell whenever he came over.

you ignored the doorbell. you weren’t expecting anyone or anything anyway.

but it kept ringing, and ringing, and ringing.

 _who the hell_ , you muttered beneath your breath. when you looked through the peephole of your door, you saw soonyoung.

panic surged through you so fast that you pushed yourself away from the door and accidentally bumped into a table nearby. the impact caused all of the contents on top of it to fall to the ground, things like your house keys and a picture frame. they clanged against the tiled ground so loudly that the doorbell stopped ringing.

now, it was impossible to pretend you weren’t home.

what stopped you from opening the door right away was a lack of awareness about the situation. you had no clue as to why soonyoung would visit your home. 

_how does he remember where i live? did jun tell him? why would jun tell him? what else would jun have said? does he know what i am?_

after the doorbell stopped ringing, you heard a soft knock and then a faint call of your name, muffled against the opposite side of the door. “i—um, i know this is random, it’s uh—it’s soonyoung. but i just, i heard from our professor that you’ve been sick, so uh—um, i brought you some soup?”

with hesitance, you opened up the door for him.

* * *

it had been five days since a suicide was reported and you prepared to make your way to the hospital.

the only reason you’ve been able to successfully take bodies from the morgue all this time was because one of the hospital’s doctors was willing and kind enough to help you.

dr. jeon wonwoo was born a ghoul, but had his _kakuhou_ removed during childhood due to medical circumstances. such a procedure should have endangered his life, but by some miracle, he survived.

the human doctors involved in the process, however, were all murdered by a group of ghouls who were scared that any means of ghoul capture would be allowed by the government if the public found out such a surgery was possible. it was in a human’s nature to be afraid, or threatened, by a being that had capabilities that surpassed their own.

but even though wonwoo was then physically unable to produce his own _kagune_ to fend himself, he still, unfortunately, had the excruciating appetite of a ghoul. you never could ask how he dealt with the morality of still eating human flesh while also saving human lives. all you knew was that he’s been helping you because he empathised. 

every time a suicide was reported, wonwoo instructed you to wait approximately five or six days before visiting the hospital. coincidentally, this was the same hospital that jun’s father worked at, so you had to be extra cautious when moving around the building.

wonwoo was a clever ghoul, however. he charted all of the nurse’s and security guard’s monitoring schedules and shift changes. you both soon worked out a timetable that would allow you to slip in, take the body, and slip back out unnoticed.

tonight, you arrived a little after 11 p.m., and wonwoo, as always, waited for you by the second lift. when you spotted his usual long, white overcoat, you stood next to him and waited wordlessly for the lift to arrive.

when the doors opened, you both stepped in.

“how’ve you been?” he said.

“been better. is it a male or female?”

“male.”

“ah.”

whenever you came to collect a body, that was the only question you asked. you didn’t want to know their name, their age, their occupation—none of it. it was far easier on you to separate the limbs of a body you knew nothing about. being able to put a name to a face in itself would create the faintest of attachments, even if you didn’t know that person.

it was the thought that this body once _lived_ a life that would make it difficult for you to face.

wonwoo led you down the quiet hall of the hospital’s basement floor and you kept your gaze trained on the ground. you hated the smell of hospitals. as a ghoul, the dead bodies smelled wonderful, but it was the sanitary equipment, the disinfectants, the masks, and the plastics that repulsed you.

unexpectedly, when wonwoo opened the door to the morgue, he briefly stopped in his tracks, like something caught him by surprise. “wait—” was all he could do to stop you from seeing, but it was too late.

the body was laid in the middle of the room with a white sheet over it, but the tag with his name written on it was still attached and you cursed your eyesight for having caught the letters too easily. 

_lee jihoon_.

you swallowed dry before turning around.

“sorry,” wonwoo mumbled, before rushing over and pulling the tag off. “it must’ve been that new assistant’s shift, i’ll make sure to remind her about the procedures.”

“it’s fine,” you breathed.

 _this body belonged to a man once named lee jihoon_.

* * *

soonyoung was under the impression that you’ve been too ill to go to campus for the last few weeks of class, hence his unprecedented frequent visits to your home, always bringing a healthy meal with him for you. 

he didn’t cook them, he’d claim, but that didn’t eclipse the fact that he went out of his way to bring something for you anyway.

a ghoul’s body, however, is physically unable to digest human food. the only exception to this was coffee, which must be due to the beans as coffee-flavoured foods still tasted like sand on your tongue.

you’ve been getting away with the food soonyoung brought by making a show of heating it up in a pan or the microwave and then claiming that you’ll save it for later.

soonyoung never really questioned it and you were thankful for that. 

at the same time, his consistency roused anxiety in you. you didn’t know where his kindness stemmed from. you let him in whenever he came but you were also forced to keep him at an arm’s length to mitigate any risks.

but soonyoung spoke so freely and so easily with you that you wondered if he was just naturally like this around other people. you wondered what it was like to be like that, to talk to others easily, to be around them easily. he was also always telling you about this one friend he had and the stupid things they had done together.

though you found much amusement listening to how soonyoung and this friend once accidentally got locked in an aquarium overnight, you always harboured the fear that the conversation would, one way or another, lead to jun. soonyoung was very fond of his friends and it felt like it was just a matter of time until he mentions jun and then questions you for the fallout.

but soonyoung never did mention him. in fact, he danced a little too easily _around_ the mention of him. it made you all the more curious about whether he was told or not. though you never asked about jun explicitly either, so perhaps soonyoung was observant enough to notice that and not bring him up for your sake.

nonetheless, unable to ignore the matter any longer, you took a shot in the dark one afternoon. “hey, soons.”

he hummed as his fingers busied with the click-clacking of keys on his laptop.

“how’s, um... how’s jun doing?”

the typing paused and it felt like you struck a chord. you were aware that asking such a question would inform soonyoung that _you_ haven’t spoken to jun either, but an explanation for that wasn’t needed when soonyoung simply replied with, “oh, i haven’t really spoken to him. think we’ve all been busy studying for exams.”

you couldn’t tell if he was lying or not. your first impression of soonyoung was someone who was easy to read, but it was only when you got to know him that you realise he wasn’t easy to read at all. you didn’t know what he was thinking, but it didn’t unsettled you either. 

despite the numerous times that he has come over to study, or watch a movie, or just talk, you still couldn’t shake the fact that you didn’t really know _why_ he was here at all.

if soonyoung was secretly a ghoul all this time, things would make much more sense. but soonyoung didn’t smell like a ghoul—his scent was as humanly as it could get.

“can you come check this question from the practice quiz for me? i don’t get this second one at all,” he said, in a quick attempt to divert from the subject.

you packed up the thoughts and put it away, leaving yourself to deal with it another time. “yeah sure, give me a sec.”

* * *

it was sunny on the day of your first exam, and you squinted up at the sky as you waited outside the exam hall.

soonyoung said he’d squeeze in some last minute studying at a sandwich place nearby, and since you didn’t want to risk him questioning you on why you wouldn’t order anything, you passed his offer.

it truly was a beautiful day to be outside, though. a beautiful day too to temporarily forget about the things that have been weighing you down and keeping you at home.

you watched the crowd of other students waiting to be let into the exam hall. of all the students enrolled in your year at the university, there was maybe only one or two other ghouls. you knew exactly who they were—and they knew you too—but that information never really encouraged a feeling of camaraderie. ghouls were strictly individualistic beings and being within the vicinity of one another, more often than not, only aroused competition amongst each other.

you steered clear of the ghouls on campus, and they stayed out of your way too.

“hey.”

you hadn’t noticed that someone had walked up to you as you watched the crowd, but when you recognised his face, you almost choked on a gasp caught in your throat.

jun stood before you with his hands in his pockets. it didn’t look like he was trying to maintain a distance from you, but you could easily tell that he was avoiding your eyes.

you waited patiently for him to speak, but the seconds, then minutes that rolled by told you that jun was gathering the courage to speak the words himself. you wished there was one word you could say to make it all better, one word to encapsulate that you simply missed your best friend.

“i just... i wanted to tell you that i didn’t tell... anyone... about you, i mean,” he sputtered. “but i can’t...”—jun’s pupils flitted around nervously until he briefly met your eyes and pulled away in the same second—“i’m sorry, it’s hard... it’s hard to—”

_“all commerce and science students preparing to take the exams at 11 a.m., please prepare to enter the exam hall.”_

you turned to the entrance of the building to find a more compact crowd forming as students prepared to go inside. you were relieved that the announcement came when it did—you couldn’t bare to watch jun stumble over what might be an apology.

you pulled your bag over your shoulder and stood up to join the other students.

your last words to jun were: “it’s okay. i understand.”

* * *

when you returned home from your second last exam, you found a hooded figure lingering in front of your door. it was a ghoul—you picked up his scent from a block away.

“can i help you?” you said, from across the hall.

the figure nimbly spun around in place and the scared look on his face prompted you to drop your guard immediately. he was just a kid.

“j-jeonghan said... i could—um, i could come to you for—”

you rushed to unlock the door before he could finish. from the sound of it, he had been starving, and nothing was more dangerous than a ghoul with an empty stomach.

with the door swung open, you hurried to the fridge to pull out a bag that had been thawed from the previous day, but when you glanced back, the boy stood frozen at the door.

“what’s your name?” you called.

“ch-chan. lee chan.”

“you can come in, chan. it’s fine.”

you watched as his sclera turned black, his iris glowed red and thin veins spread across the skin surrounding his eye when he zeroed in on the bag you placed on the table.

he took hesitant steps forward, but you repeated, “it’s fine.”

you weren’t hungry, having just fed a few days ago, but watching chan eat began to stir your appetite. chan scarfed down the food with such desperation and fervour that you figured he might have gone more than a month without feeding.

the boy must’ve felt your eyes on him because he paused suddenly, and looked up at you sitting across the table. it took a moment for you to register that he had pulled off a bit of the skin and was offering it to you wordlessly. you smiled at the gesture and took it from him, swallowing the bit in one bite.

once he wiped his blood-stained lips with the paper towel you offered, his eyes reverted to its usual state. “jeonghan said you don’t hunt.”

“i don’t,” you said, “these are bodies collected from humans that... killed themselves.”

“and there are enough for you?”

you glanced at your freezer, envisioned the stock of human body parts that you were saving up, just like an animal storing up food for hibernation. “the months after winter are the best for harvesting,” you explained. “but don’t ask me why, i don’t know either.”

the name lee jihoon came to mind at that moment. though you had no way of telling for sure, you had the feeling that the part just gave to chan—as well as the skin you snacked on—had been part of his body.

_what sort of life did he lead? what pushed him to throw it away? why didn’t his family claim his body? was he also all alone?_

“thank you,” chan mumbled, and the fear you saw initially when he waited outside your door, had almost completely subsided.

“don’t mention it, whenever you need to feed, you can come to me,” you said. another thought then also came to mind. “actually, what happened to that asshole?”

“jeonghan?”

“yeah.”

“oh, um. i’m not sure, he’s been moving around. i don’t think he’s hunting though.”

you hummed at that, relieved at least that you wouldn’t have to go around cleaning up his mess.

chan left your flat with an energetic bounce in his steps. he said he was interested in learning how you obtained your food, so you exchanged numbers and promised to give him a call the next time a suicide is reported.

* * *

“one iced americano for you!”

“thank you,” you smiled, taking the cup from soonyoung. it was a little ridiculous to think, but you almost couldn’t tell whether you were squinting from the sun behind soonyoung, or from the bright smile he sported whenever he looked at you.

it was warm enough now to not have to worry about the temperatures suddenly falling and soonyoung, after much effort, convinced you to come with him to the screening of a new indie horror film.

after taking a long sip of his cup, soonyoung offered his to you. “wanna try?”

“i can’t,” you said, which wasn’t a lie.

“you don’t like lattes?”

“i’m... lactose intolerant.”

“oh,” he nodded. “you could have it with soy milk instead?”

“hmm, but soy milk is gross.”

soonyoung slightly threw his head back to laugh at that, “yeah, it kinda is.”

you knew that both your disgust for soy milk were for completely different reasons, but his agreement lit something of a fire in your chest. to think that he felt the same way as you about certain things, even if it was over something so simplistic as soy milk—it was sort of beautiful.

“we still have fifteen minutes before the film starts. wanna take a walk?”

“sure.”

the cinema was located right on the bank of the river, where tall railings protected pedestrians from the edge. if you walked along far enough, you could get a stellar view of the blue winged bridge that crossed over it. that bridge, however, also happened to be the hot spot for suicide.

if you walked along the bridge, which people rarely did because it was so long, you could spot the little empowering, comforting messages etched onto the steel. you’ve read things like “it will get better” and “you are stronger than this” and “your loved ones are waiting at home for you”. 

you always thought it was a beautiful way to prevent the tragic things from happening, but you also wondered if any of those messages ever reached anyone, if they had ever stop someone from jumping.

“you see that ramp over there?” soonyoung pointed ahead of you, where some high schoolers also loitered about. “me and this one friend used to bunk school and come here to skateboard. and like, one time, we were getting all worked up about who could do this trick better and i ended up breaking my arm.”

“soons, you’re a walking hazard.”

“no, no. _he_ was a walking hazard. the only reason i fell was because he was in the way! i’ve told you about him before right? it’s the same guy that dropped a dumbbell on his foot and got us banned from the gym?”

you always intuitively knew whenever soonyoung spoke of this friend. it was always the same one. “the one with the aquarium incident? the one who surprisingly beat you at dance dance revolution in the arcade?”

soonyoung’s face began to redden with embarrassment at how you recalled this person with such ease. “ah, i talk too much, don’t i?”

“i like listening,” you said, without a thought. you genuinely did. “besides, you both sound like _the_ dynamic duo.”

“yeah,” he breathed. soonyoung allowed a few beats of silence in between his words and the breeze ran through his hair the way you almost wish your fingers could. “i wish i could’ve introduced you to him. he’d probably think you’re cool too.”

but before you could say something to encourage him to, before you could say something along the lines of wanting to meet him too, soonyoung lifted his arm and pointed at the bridge.

“he took his own life there,” he said, “it’s been a few months.”

 _one beat, two, then three_. soonyoung’s best friend killed himself. he jumped off that bridge and his body was found floating in the river. it was retrieved and then transported to the hospital...

it took only a few moments for a nasty realisation to settle in your chest.

“he was really brave, the best guy i ever knew but he... he went through a lot of pain too. his parents... they disowned him.”

you no longer had the capacity to listen to the way soonyoung spoke so highly of his friend.

“he could only take so much.”

you reached out towards the railing to steady your balance.

“i was the one to make the grave arrangements but there was no body to be buried. apparently, only blood-related family can claim it.”

a gutting pain took root in your stomach, and it took you everything not to double over and writhe. the insides of your body burned like it was being twisted and squeezed, like the wringing out of a sponge.

“it was the one thing i wanted to do for him, but couldn’t.”

you wanted to cry. you wanted to scream.

“his name was—”

you felt sick. you felt so, _so_ sick.

“lee jihoon.”

bile shot up from your stomach and the acid burned the length of your throat when you forced it back down. tears pricked the corners of your eyes as you rapidly blinked them away. soonyoung’s gaze was still trained far away at the bridge and all you could manage was a small, feeble: “i’m so sorry.”

but what did you even mean by that? _am i sorry for his loss? sorry for his pain? sorry for what i did? sorry for what i am?_

“it happened a few days before that seminar,” he said. “i wasn’t gonna come ‘cause we were supposed to go to that together—jihoon was a real nerd about ghouls too.”

your fingers trembled with each word he spoke.

“but i figured... i’d go _for_ him, you know? it was the last plan we made.” soonyoung pulled his gaze from the bridge to look at you, but you masked the fear that consumed you and continued to watch the river. “but i’m glad i went anyway, glad that i ran into you.”

you attempted to excuse yourself from the film only fifteen minutes in, lying about how the film had more gore than you could stomach. the excuse was more realistic when soonyoung said you did look a little bit paler, so he called a cab and took you home.

* * *

soonyoung called first thing the next morning, but you weakly answered the phone only to refuse his insistence of coming over to help take care of you. you said something along the lines of not wanting him to see you like this and though he didn’t sound quite satisfied, he reluctantly hung up after saying he’d call to check in on you later in the afternoon.

it was a repetition of that for the following few days, but you knew it wouldn’t deter soonyoung for long. you had vomited a few times already and though a ghoul’s body suffered considerably more from the expulsion of food, you couldn’t bring yourself to eat anything.

looking at your freezer just made you feel worse.

soonyoung came over a few days after but you didn’t unlock the door for him. he lingered only for ten minutes before leaving a bag of food on your door knob.

he came back the next day and did the same. even though you never unlocked the door to take the food inside, he still came back to bring you something new and throw out whatever had gone bad.

if you kept this up long enough, you figured even soonyoung would eventually grow tired of reaching out. it was the best course of action anyway. there was no way you could allow him to find out anything about you.

you let your guard down too often, you’ve gotten... _soft_.

“can you please let me in?” soonyoung called from outside one afternoon. his persistence was beginning to get on your nerves and it didn’t help that starving yourself made you all the more irritable.

you switched off your phone so he’d stop calling, but this was the first time soonyoung called out to you when he came over.

“i’m worried, okay? i’m really worried, like, it’s been a week and if you’re not yet better, we should go to the hospital,” he said.

your feet padded lightly against the floor as you neared the door.

“or,” his voice then turned low, reduced to almost whisper. you could only hear him when you inched closer, when you leaned your back against the door. “are you avoiding me? did i do something? did i say something?”

you fisted the ends of your shirt, fighting every urge to swing the door open and reassure him that it wasn’t his fault at all.

“the truth is, before that seminar, i intended to go to the bridge afterwards.”

a pause. your palms began to sweat.

“i don’t... i don’t know if i was going to... you know, i just... i wanted to go there. i know he’d kick my ass if i said this but... i felt like i didn’t do enough... for him.”

quietly, quietly, you sunk to the ground.

“it’s not my fault, i know it... it wasn’t, but i felt... i don’t know, left behind? like, was there something i could’ve said? something i could’ve done?”

you pulled your knees up to your chest and clammed a palm over your mouth to keep from sobbing out loud.

“when we ran into each other at the seminar, and when you listened to all my dumb ramblings... i had, like, the stupidest feeling. the way you listened, the way you actually entertained what i had to say... it reminded me of him.”

the collarline of your shirt was soaked with tears you haphazardly wiped.

“so when i offered to walk you home,” he said, “i was trying to convince myself that... i can still _do_ something for someone. that i— _ah_ , i don’t even know what i’m saying.”

something briefly hit against the door and you realised that soonyoung must’ve been leaning against it on the opposite side.

“if you want me to stop coming, please tell me,” he said, but you kept your palm on your mouth and held your breath until you were certain he had left.

* * *

a ghoul’s hunger was pure agony and your starvation was beginning to overshadow the self-control you trained so hard for. you writhed around in bed like a shrivelled up worm, your nails digging into your own skin as your insides felt hollow.

this had happened once before, when you could no longer stomach what you ate from your hunting after hearing what happened to jun’s mom. killing had once been an act too easy by your hands, but it became harder and harder, the very act eating _you_ from the inside out.

when you abstained from hunting, when you stopped feeding, and effectively arrived at death’s doorstep, it was wonwoo who found you. it was also he that told you about the alternative.

but now the alternative was tainted too. you wanted to convince yourself that they were _just_ bodies, that they _at least_ did not die by your hands. but the mere thought of rummaging through the endless packets of body parts and organs—which one of them once belonged to lee jihoon?

you weren’t sure if soonyoung had been coming over anymore. the torment pushed you to smash your phone against the wall the other day, so you really couldn’t get in contact with him. the pain that your body suffered also prevented you from leaving the bedroom. you were seeing things, hearing things, so if even if soonyoung came by, you wouldn’t know.

sometimes, the aching subsided, like your stomach finally grew tired and unravelled itself from all the agonising twisting. but those moments of peace would last fleetingly. the pain would suddenly shoot throughout your body and you’d curl back into a fetus position as you groaned into your sheets.

you tried to convince yourself: _i’d rather die than eat, i’d rather die than eat, i’d rather die than eat..._

the doorbell rang.

once, twice, then thrice.

it wasn’t the sound that woke you and prompted you to clamber to your feet—it was the smell. there was nothing in you to fight the craving.

_ding-dong!_

hurriedly, but carefully, you swung the door open to come face-to-face with a very confused-looking delivery man holding a large box.

“oh!” he piped, “sorry for intruding, but do you happen to know if a choi seungcheol lives across from you? i have a package for him but it seems like he isn’t home and i... don’t know if i was just supposed to leave it out in the hall?”

he looked young, had a good build, a handsome face too.

“oh yeah, he might just be out. i can hold onto it for him,” you smiled.

“great! can you just sign—” the boy felt around his pockets, then frowned when he couldn’t find what he was looking for. “ah heck, where’s that pen again—”

you glanced at his breast pocket. the name tag read chwe vernon.

“hold on a sec, i can quickly grab a pen.” you left vernon by the door, purposely leaving it wide open.

 _vernon, vernon, vernon_. you grabbed a pen from the table and glanced back at the boy, who was absentmindedly staring at the ground. _shall i eat you?_

“where should i sign?” you asked, as you made your way back to the doorway.

“right he—,” his sudden pause led you to look up and you found vernon staring at you with his mouth gaping open. “y-your... your eye...”

“oh?” you glanced to the side, where a small mirror hung on the wall. in your reflection, your irises glowed scarlet, your sclera a jet black. “ _oops_.”

you pulled vernon by the collar of his shirt into your flat. the package was thrown to the side and you didn’t have a second thought about shutting the door. you were hungry, that was all you knew.

vernon did his best in putting up a fight, squirming in your grasp and thrashing about, but it was no use once your _kagune_ sprouted from your back. you didn’t allow it to grow to its full length as you were indoors, but they spread wide enough to help pin vernon’s arms apart, while one of your hands clamped over the boy’s mouth to keep him from screaming.

“ _shh_ , it’s okay, it’s okay,” you cooed. you ran the back of your forefinger down the side of vernon’s face, along his jawline and down his neck. “just... one... bite—”

but you were interrupted.

a noise came from the doorway. _a noise?_ you watched as vernon’s eyes widened when he turned his head to face the door. he saw something, he was trying to communicate with it. _something?_ no, it was someone. vernon squirmed even more violently under your grasp.

the noise came again, but it was no longer just noise. it was a word, a name. someone was calling your name.

when you snapped your head to the source, it took a moment to process who you saw. the hunger that clouded your vision abated for a little while, long enough for you to register that it was soonyoung standing there. 

_soonyoung_. 

your grip faltered for a moment too long that vernon, who had been closely paying attention, was able to knee you hard in the rib before sliding out from under you. the sudden impact threw you off for longer than you expected, which must’ve been due to your weakened state after having abstained from feeding.

_he saw me, he saw me, he saw me._

but vernon couldn’t get too far and you stretched your arm just enough to grab him by the ankle. vernon fell face first and you hoped the impact to his head put him in enough of a daze to stop resisting.

“just let me eat, let me eat, please,” you mumbled. your _kagune_ grew with your impatience and you couldn’t control its size anymore. the flesh-like wings began to hit against the furniture in your home, toppling a table over, swiping off the contents of your shelves.

_i need to eat! i have to eat!_

something touched the edge of your _kagune_ and you flinched aggressively at the contact, turning to your right. “GET AWAY FROM M—”

soonyoung kept his hand firm on your wing, but you felt the way his arm trembled. he was looking at you, he was definitely looking at you, but then his eyes pulled away to face the boy you kept pinned on the floor.

vernon stirred slightly. he wasn’t unconscious yet.

soonyoung called your name again and the outer layer of your _kagune_ began to harden and spike, shaping itself into what looked like shards of glass. despite looking like soft, tender flesh, if you hardened your _kagune_ at will, it could cut just like glass. your _kagune_ ripped through soonyoung’s palms and streams of blood travelled down his arm, dripping at his elbow.

_no, no, no, no, no, no._

soonyoung, however, didn’t let go. if anything, you thought his grip on you became even firmer. “run,” you heaved, “run away.” there was nothing in you to fight, there was nothing stopping you. “i’m a _monster_.”

but soonyoung didn’t run, neither did he let go. your _kagune_ dug deeper into his hand and you watched his face contort as he endured the pain. _run, you idiot_. 

“me for him,” he breathed. “take me, instead of him.”

soonyoung nodded towards vernon and the proposition was so ludicrous to you that your eyes softened for just a moment and so did your _kagune_.

even though you didn’t say yes, soonyoung took your hesitance as agreement and motioned for vernon to run. you didn’t stop the boy when he took off as best as he could, stumbling out of your flat and almost tripping over himself as he ran.

as soon as he left, soonyoung closed the door behind him.

“it’s okay,” he hushed, “you’re okay.”

you rost to your feet and stumbled backwards as soonyoung approached you. “i’m—i’m not, i’m not—”

“you have to eat.”

“no, n-no, i _can’t_ , n-no.”

suddenly, soonyoung pulled off the shirt he had on and with parts of it stained with blood, you assumed he wanted to get changed, or maybe to even wrap the wound on his hand.

but he didn’t.

“here,” he said.

tears ran down your face as you watched soonyoung lean his head to the side and offer you the space between his neck and shoulder. you fell backwards earlier and soonyoung sat on his ankles in between your outstretched legs. he kept a hand firm on your thigh, the best he could do to keep you from running.

you shook your head and pushed his hand off of you. “soonyoung, i’d rather die. please, i’d rather... _die_.”

patiently, soonyoung placed his hand back on your thigh, his thumb gently tracing circles. “i’d rather you not,” he said. “ _please_.”

your _kagune_ retreated back into your body when soonyoung cried with you. you let your weight go and fell into his lap and you sobbed. you just sobbed and sobbed.

truthfully, you never made peace with the idea that this was the life you were supposed to live. everything hurt, everything hurt so much but the feeling of soonyoung’s fingers carefully carding through your hair had somehow obscured the screaming pain that came with hunger.

when your tears stopped and soonyoung’s sniffles also died down, you sat back up and decided to tell him the truth; about you, about why you haven’t been feeding, about how you feed, about what’s inside your freezer, about jihoon. 

soonyoung’s face fell at the mention of his best friend’s name. there was no easy way around this. he didn’t say a word, didn’t spare you glance.

soonyoung rose to his feet, but instead of walking towards the door, he headed for the freezer, opened it up and grabbed a packet from inside. when he came back, soonyoung fell to his knees, reached for your hand, and placed the packet in your palm.

“you’re just trying to live,” he breathed. “and i want you to live too.”

soonyoung decided to stay over that night, claimed that he really didn’t want to leave you by yourself. he agreed when you asked him to stay in the bedroom while you fed. as you ate, you tried your hardest to make as little noise as possible.

“you don’t have to be considerate of me,” he called from the next room.

but because of how ravenously hungry you were, you had already finished. once you cleaned up, you slipped into the bedroom to join soonyoung.

he sat on the floor with his back against the walls, eyes a little puffy, and his hand wrapped in bandages. without a word, you knelt in front of him to check the wound. the blood had begun to soak through the layers again.

“you lied,” soonyoung said, as you unwrapped the bandages from his hand. “you said you’ve never seen a ghoul.”

the corners of your lips involuntarily quirk at that and soonyoung beamed.

“there’s that smile.”

you wrung out the water from the washcloth into the small bucket you set down next to him and gently wiped down his palm to clean the wound again.

“i don’t get you,” you muttered. “why didn’t you run?”

“because i trust you.”

“i could’ve eaten you, really.”

“i know,” he said. you paused for a bit and watched curiously, how even with a bloodstained washcloth in between, your hand fit quite well in soonyoung’s. “did you forget that i offered my own flesh?”

at that, you let out a breathy laugh. “if you really wanted to be helpful, you could’ve offered an arm or a leg or something. there’s barely any meat on your neck, i’m not a vampire.”

soonyoung screwed his eyes shut in embarrassment as the tips of his ears begin to redden. “ah, right.”

with a new bandage, you began to carefully wrap his palm again. he watched intently as you worked in silence. you thought about how you should apologise to him, or if an apology was appropriate at all. it seemed like there were many things you wanted to apologise for and you wondered if it would come off as insincere instead.

but in spite of it all, soonyoung chose to stay.

“can i ask you something?” you whispered.

he hummed, shifting his gaze from his hand to you.

“are you afraid?”

“not right now. but before... yeah.” you garnered the courage to look up at him. “but like i said; i trust you and... i want to learn.”

“learn to what?”

with his other hand, soonyoung smoothed his fingers down from the top of your head to the nape of your neck. “learn to be with you.”


End file.
